Episode 1022 (11/29/2005)

“And they say the Truth still roams these very woods This is The Colbert Report!”

Martin Smartin’: Duke Cunningham resigns. California’s Fightin’ 50th now Dead to Me. Canada’s government falls.

The Wørd: Confidence

Show Us Your Buboes!: Was It Really That Bad? – The Bubonic Plague.

Life’s Ebola Cherries: Richard Preston, author – “The Hot Zone”

In closing: In Memoriam – Randy “Duke” Cunningham’s Things

Guest Plug:

NOTABLE MOMENTS

Would have been fun, but unfortunately we have to start the show on a sad note, instead.
*Stephen crying over Cunningham’s resignation.*
Is this live? Are we feeding live right now? We are? So we can’t edit this. This is just raw emotion going out to the world!
Oh Duke! Duke, Dukie! Why? Why, Duke?
Oh, poor Dukester! Duke-stir was the name of the yacht he received as a bribe.
Sure, we wondered how a man who earned $160,000 a year could afford, drive a Rolls-Royce, and have a luxury condo in Arlington, Virginia, plus a mansion in Rancho Santa Fe, California. But he’s a Republican! Those guys know how to handle money.
The man is an American hero, a decorated fighter pilot from the Nam. Tom Skerritt’s character in ‘Top Gun’ was based on Duke! Did you know that America? It’s the truth.
Can we show a bit from that movie? Just enough so Paramount doesn’t sue us. [*Shows 1 second clip of Val Kilmer 'snapping' at Tom Curise*]
I don’t think I can ever watch that movie without crying – harder.
Now I know how Maverick felt when he lost Goose, cause I’ve lost Duke.
I blame his congressional district. California’s 50th. The Fightin’ 50th!
You should have seen it. It was a cry for help.
California 50th – You’re dead to me.
From now on, our 435 part series Better Know a District is a 434 part series.
Confidence – something our neighbors to the North obviously know nothing about.
Now America, I’m going to have to talk about Canada for a while here, but don’t change the channel and I’ll give you something nice at the end.

Why the lack of confidence? A run of the mill corruption scandal in which the Liberal Party had to pay back a measly 1.1 million dollars in bribes.
Thats 1.1 million Canadian. My buddy Duke Cunningham wouldn’t wipe his ass with that chump-change. [He'd Have a Defense Contractor Do It.]
The Canadians are the only ones having trouble keeping their governmental confidence up. [Electile Dysfunction]
Italy has had 60 different governments in 60 years [Leave the Government. Take the Cannoli.]
America doesn’t have that problem. It’s right there in our slogan, “Land of the Free, Home of the Confident.”
We have enough confidence to let our government operate without having any confidence in it.
Take a look at President Bush’s approval ratings. [Use a Magnifying Glass]
What kind of Democratic government is it that constantly bends to the will of the people?
We elected him because he has confidence in him.
One thing you can say about President Bush is that he is a man of confidence. [Con Man]
And now, for you Americans out there, a little thank you for your patience. Jimmy, let’s roll that footage. [*Footage of monster car wrecking*]

When ever I hear the main stream scare-mongers start mongering scare about the latest lethal virus, so-called “Avian Flu,” I raise an eyebrow. This one. *points to raised left eyebrow.*
Know what, Global Pandemic? See me shake? You could cut a diamond on this thing.
Illuminated manuscripts were the video iPods of the day.
Bulbous blackened cysts started growing on armpits and genitals – one of the places you least want bulbous blackened cysts.
What I say is, and I know I’m not going to win any awards for saying it, Was it really that bad?
Ask any management training consultant. They’ll tell you the same Chinese character for crisis is also the Chinese character for opportunity. Probably horses**t, but here’s the point. There was an upside to the plague.
For those left there were plenty of crops, livestock, tunics, and dulcimers to go around.
The challenge of the plague made medicine advance from the primitive quackery of magical amulets to far more effective treatments like blood letting and banishment.
Imagine if the plague hadn’t happened. There would be over a billion Europeans working their 26 hour weeks, and not even showing up for those because there’s a train strike.

And you’re just trying to get from Milan to Basil – not a long trip. And you can’t even get off the train to get a bite to eat because “Oh no, Signore. The train could leave at any moment.” and you can’t buy anything off the food cart on the train because you’ve already exchanged all you’re Lira for Francs because you’re just switching in Basil to go to Leon to see the cathedral and you don’t even give a damn about the cathedral ’cause you’ve seen so many at this point they’ve just turned into one big stained-glass blob in your brain.

So, what do you do? You end up drinking that bottle of wine out of the bottom of your backpack you were saving to bring home and the only person on the train who has a corkscrew is the girl in the next cabin. I think she was an Art Major from Maine. Bridgette Reed. And you’re both drinking on an empty stomach so you get hammered and somehow you end up in Florence and you and your buddy Ted are rooming with her and her friend at this pensione and you’re sure something is going to happen but no matter how hard you hint, her roommate won’t go out and leave the two of you alone so nothing happens! And it was you’re only shot that whole summer. Three months. Nothing!
Tragedy makes you face the hard questions: Why are we here? What’s life about? Why wouldn’t her roommate leave?
We mustn’t think of the glass as being half empty but, rather, half full – albeit with pustulent sores.
What ever doesn’t kill two thirds of the population makes us stronger.
What is it about these diseases that makes them so dangerous? Scare the pants off me.

So, bleeding out my a** is not extreme. I call that extreme.
That’s run of the mill, Wednesday afternoon, Honey I’m heading out for a pack of smokes by the way I’m bleeding out my a** small pox.
When you were a child, did you dream of growing up and terrifying people?
You throw a tubular cast? That’s a Mike Oldfield hit, isn’t it?
There are so many terrible things to talk about…
Duke, if you’re watching, look away.