“Go out ten yards then button hook to the left. I’m gonna hit you with a perfect spiral of Truth. This is The Colbert Report!”
Attention Tramplers: Cyber-Monday. Pull-out time for Iraq. Stephen takes some phone calls.
The Wørd: Never
Laviticus vs Copernicus: Stephen Settles The Debate – Science vs Religion.
Let’s Get Physicist: Brian Greene, Quantum Physics Professor – Columbia University, author – ‘The Elegant Universe.’
In closing: From what I understand of Quantum Mechanics, I think Brian Greene said this show didn’t happen tonight. Who knows? Check your local listings.
- I just want you to know that at our Thanksgiving feast I will not chug the Merlot, call you an egomaniac who you are sorry you married, throw a drumstick at your head and go sit in the rental car for the rest of the meal. Though I know someone who will.
- Cyber-Monday is officially the biggest on-line shopping purchasing day of the year. Sorry Porno Thursday, you’ve been replaced.
- I’m buying one of those adorable piano-playing electronic snowmen *whispers* for everyone on the show. Shhh!
- [*Audience Cheers*] Stephen- No, not you. The people who work here! [*Audience 'awwww'*] Stephen – O.K. You too.
- Let’s see, they need my credit card number: 468 4302 004. Mother’s maiden name: Bailey. And security code: 4270. Now no stealing my identity. You are on your honor, Nation.
- They got all jacked-up on Pumpkin Spiced Lattes and showed up in stores in droves. That took more than consumer confidence, that took consumer courage. [*shows video clips of shoppers fighting] It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas!
- This consumer blitzkrieg has economists seeing a green Christmas this year because, well, money is green and it is, one can assume, a play on the phrase ‘ white Christmas.’
- If anything we need to put more troops in. Then and only then can we get the job done so we can pull out which we will never do. Now.
- Unless we have to, politically, to keep the anti-war crowd from winning the 2006 elections and pulling us out. Which we must never do.
- Unless the Iraqis ask us to. All the Iraqis. [It's the Only Thing They Agree On.]
- And they ask us 3 times. [Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice]
- We’ll never know if Iraq is ready for us to leave until we leave. [Rumsfeld's Law]
- No, Merry Christmas, Deborah. Go ahead and say it. Or Happy Hanukkah. However you want to celebrate Jesus’ birth.
- Yes, Deborah, there is a secret reason. A reason that exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exists. Not believe in a secret reason? Well, you might as well not believe in fairies. Alas, how dreary would the world be if there was no secret reason for keeping our troops in Iraq. It would be as dreary as if there were no little Deborahs.
- Colton W. – “What was your Mother’s maiden name again?” Stephen – “It was Bailey.” Colton – “Was that B-A-I-L-Y?” Stephen – “No, it’s E-Y. Common mistake.”
- Bill, I got some bad news for you. You live in Canada. If it’s not on my map, your Canadian.
- At one time you could answer everything the same way. For instance, Where did everything come from? God. Where did God come from? Guards, torture that man to death. Hypothesis confirmed.
- Thanks to Galileo and all the other Copernicus huggers out there, faith and science are now bitterly divided.
- They each have their way of destroying mankind. It took science thousands of years to come up with this, something God’s been able to do since day one with floods, locusts, boils, rains of frogs, rivers of blood, pillars of salt, pillars of fire, and actual pillars. Of course I am talking about Sampson and the Temple of Bahl.
- Science tells us that sex is a biological imperative; that when college girls go wild they’re merely following instincts hard-wired into their tight, curvaceous DNA.
- That kinda takes the parchment out of the old scroll.
- Rewards – faith has a ton of them: 70 virgins, eternal peace, even a ride on a spaceship hidden by a comet.
- Sorry to everyone who believes the universe is made of tiny invisible particles. The debate goes to those who believe it was made by a giant invisible man.
- Colbert Report Drinking Game: Take one drink every time Stephen criticizes America. That’s right. He never does. Stay sober and vigilant.
- By saying that science has more validity than what I feel, you are implying that I descended from a monkey.
- In some other Universe could I have nailed you just now?
Fangirl Suit Report: Gray suit, White shirt with barrel cuffs, Mauve box pattern tie.
Full set of screencaps at WonkyEar.com