Nov
17
Episode 1020 (11/17/2005)
By
“Sharpen your carving knife and loosen your belt. You’re coming over to my house for ThanksTruthing. This is The Colbert Report!“
Truly Manly Deeply: Barney Frank disses TCR. People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. Threat Down!
- 5. C-Sections!
- 4. Children!
- 3. Indians!
- 2. PBS!
- 1. Bears!
The Wørd: McConaughey
It’s Go Tim: Tim Robbins, writer, director – ‘Embedded Live!’, actor – ‘Zathura’
Free Drilly: ‘Oil: Here Today, More Tomorrow,’ sponsored by The Prescott Group
In closing: Remember: It is 20 minutes to the pound and do not pre-stuff. You are playing with your lives and that’s not what the pilgrims fought for.
Guest Plug:
INTERNET COL-BOMB SITE OF THE DAY:Embedded Live! Web site
NOTABLE MOMENTS
- Sorry you feel that way, Mr. Congressman. Sorry I don’t lob softballs. This isn’t Chris Mathews or Meet the Press. I bring it. I guess someone feels a little stung that he got nailed.
- Here’s what he calls a waste of TV space. [*Video of Stephen dancing behind Rep. Frank while walking down hallway*]
- You got something better you’d like to see on TV, Mr. Frank?
- This year you remembered what makes a man sexiest of all – being an American.
- Recently, I was getting worried. You picked a Limey [*Jude Law photo*], A Welshy [*Pierce Bronson photo*], a wanna-be Frenchy [*Johnny Depp photo*], and a what ever nationality being from Massachusetts makes you [*Ben Affleck photo*]
- [A Chussie?] Or a Barney.
- It’s not that they aren’t sexy. They are. They’re smokin’. And it doesn’t make me gay to say that.
- As an American, Matt has something more. [Dope and Bongos]
- He oozes and indefinable essence. [Musk and Dope]
- Check out his answer. ‘I don’t care to tongue down in public.’ Know who that reminds me of? Lincoln.
- If I had known 10 years ago what I would be like now, I would have put a tattoo of me on my chest.
- Next year, if instead of rock-hard abs you’re looking for someone with bedrock values – and rock-hard abs – I’m not pitching myself but Mathew’s got my number.
- God meant babies to come out the hard way.
- Pushing a 5″ head out of a 3″ canal gives women something to hold over that child for the rest of that child’s life. And, over the father’s head for the rest of his life. And, anyone who will listen at a family barbecue’s life.
- Maybe the first child to receive care should be the Governors child Annie who has a severe case of the absolutely adorables.
- Indians! [photo of a Seik] No, the other Indians. [photo of Village People]. No, real Indians.
- It’s all here in my pamphlet “How Native Americans Maybe Have Been Screwed In This Country” but that doesn’t give them the right to screw us.
- Do you know how many wars could be fought for 100 billion dollars? A third of one.
- As long as we are throwing cheating accusations around, I might ask what kind of roulette wheel goes 8 hours without ever landing on 23 once.
- It’s no secret that the network is a bastion for Reds: Elmo, Clifford, Po.
- Tomlinson is just trying to remind the public there are 2 sides to every story and one of them is always conservative.
- When I see a documentary about blind shrimp living around lava vents at the bottom of the Marianas Trench, I need to know both the liberal and conservative takes.
- PBS is endangering our nation’s need to make everything about politics.
- No longer satisfied with raiding our honey jars, these ursine marauders are now attacking our most precious natural resource, Celebrities.
- Brad Pitt, who already has Angelina Jolie’s claws sunk into him, returned with Jolie and her kids to his Canadian vacation home to discover that two bears had broke into the kitchen where they were rummaging for food or for photographs they could sell to the tabloids.
- Now that these man-eaters have had a taste of the limelight, they are sure to go after Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston.
- I’m really split on you, Mr. Robbins. On one hand I think you are a true artist who through their work is enriching our culture. On the other side, I think your politics are killing us by inches.
- What’s it like working with Clint Eastwood and why do you hate our troops?
- I love the truth. It’s facts I’m not a fan of.
- What has your favorite project you’ve ever worked on and would you rather have Saddam in power?
- The fact that you think it was obvious that they were lying to us, doesn’t that just prove the Democrats are lying now that they didn’t know that there weren’t WMDs at the time. Because you managed to figure it out and your an actor and, no offense, that’s not a sharp crowd.
- You’re dividing us into Republicans and Democrats where I think we should be unified and you should join us.
- You’re not a bear lover, are you Mr. Robbins?
- Oh, it’s French, Bitch.
- I’ve got such a thick layer of American laid down, I can take a top-soil layer of French because the roots reach America.
- We’re saving up all those unpronounced ‘T’s and we’re sending them to Katrina victims. There’s a lot of places down there in Louisiana they don’t pronounce ‘T’s either.
- Freedom Anagram: Rearrange the letters in these issues concerning America and you’ll feel better. GAS FLU => US FLAG
- This is just another of the Media’s fact based smear campaigns.
- There are some really clear-headed organizations out there trying to get the facts to you. For instance, the Rand Corporation. You can’t do better than the folks who do National Security Research for Rumsfeld.
- I saw this great video presentation about how the oil guys are getting a bad rap and I thought you guys out there deserved to see it.
- “Oil helps us get to work everyday. It powers the lights that help keep our planet visible from outer space.”
- “Solar power sounds impressive, but when the sun goes down you can’t turn the lights on. Just when you need them the most.”
- “Nuclear power seems like a good idea, but it’s awfully hard to run a power plant with hippies and Hollywood liberals chained to your gates.”
- “Some people think we should use windmills to generate electricity. These people should move to Holland – with all the other dope fiends.”
- “Five thousand years ago, dinosaurs roamed the Earth. Then something happened, and they all ended up underground. Over time, some became bones but the rest became oil.”
- “All that oil created pressure under ground: pressure that can only be relieved by drilling. If we didn’t drill for oil this pressure would keep building with potentially disastrous consequences.”
- “To protect us all, the Oil Industry is busy drilling 24 hours a day and now, thanks to advances in giant pipe technology, we can drill in places we haven’t. Places like the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, Colonial Williamsburg, Arlington National Cometary, maybe even in your backyard.”
- “Just to be safe, we’re going to drill a couple of wells in your backyard. If there’s no oil, we’ll leave. And you can keep the rig.”
- “Don’t worry. By the time it runs out, you’ll be dead.”
- You don’t hear that in the press. I didn’t know half that stuff.
Fangirl Suit Report: Black Suit, Ivory shirt with French cuffs, Black and Tan guard stripe tie.
Full set of screencaps at WonkyEar.com
Related posts
