Nov
16
Episode 1019 (11/16/2005)
By
“Get ready for authenticity, veracity, and verity. Someone’s been reading a thesaurus. This is The Colbert Report!”
Operation Enduring Pressure: Senate votes for oversight of War in Iraq. Video of Juan Gabriel falling. On Notice and Dead To Me Boards.
The Wørd: Information
Rocky Mountain Guy: Better Know a District (part 5 of 435) – Colorado’s Fightin’ 2nd, featuring Rep. Marc Udall
Welcome, Matt: Matt Taibbi, Contributing Editor – ‘Rolling Stone Magazine.’
In closing: Sleep safe in the knowledge that I will be sleeping too, protecting you from that wolf-headed creature that hunts you in your dreams.
NOTABLE MOMENTS
- You people are the glue that holds the country together – the library paste that patriots eat when the teacher’s not looking.
- You are the Bondo that covers up the rust holes in the left-rear quarter panel of this ‘84 Chevette that is America.
- Yesterday the Senate voted – and that makes me angry enough – but listen to how they voted.
- You want him to just make a bunch of stuff up, ’cause he will. [WMDs]
- Don’t worry, he’s fine. Just a broken wrist and a mild concussion. You get the same injuries diving into an empty pool.
- Gut wrenching and unwatchable video. Let’s see that again.
- I don’t think it was the mike cord – let’s see it one more time.
- I think his leg got caught in his pants cuff. Lets play that in slow-mo.
- Just proves what I’ve always said – Pant cuffs kill. Plus, they are an extravagant waste of fabric and ironing resources.
- Know what, pant cuffs? You’re on notice. Lets put them on the Notice Board!
- We’ve got palindromes, peninsulas, privacy right to… O.K. here we go. Pant cuffs.
- New York intellectuals, I’m taking you off the Notice Board. I warned you about your introspection and your turtle necks and your green tea, but you didn’t listen. So you’re off the Notice Board and you are officially Dead To Me. Bring out the Dead to Me Board.
- You go on the board, right below Bowtie pasta and men with beards.
- We’ll be back, but on the way let’s look at that video on more time. Play it fast, Jimmy.
- A simple Rorchak test. On person my see a dog’s head. Another may see a pair of mittens that happen to look like a dog’s head. There’s no such thing as a wrong answer. Of course, if you see certain images – say a clown menacing your manhood with a set of rusty pruning shears – you should contact local mental health authorities immediately so that they can protect us from you.
- These lonely Plains Indians were soon joined by friendly Spanish conquistadors, American pioneers and, most recently, Orkins.
- 49er Pete – “Gold! I struck it rich! I’m gonna buy me a solid gold shovel and some whores!”
- *Stephen breaks character and struggles to recover when camera cuts back to him still talking as 49er Pete*
- 49er Pete – “Gold! I found Gold!” Stephen – “Cut off his mike!”
- Disagree with me without being disagreeable. I think Nazis are bad. Go ahead.
- You are aware that the ‘L-word’ is Lesbian, right?
- Lots of good skiing in your district. Is it fair to say that a lot of your district is going downhill? You can use that.
- By Rocky Mountain High I mean swept away by the beauty and the grandeur of the Rocky Mountains… on dope.
- Rep. Udall – “I’m not going to touch that one.”
- For those of you playing at home, this is our first district west of the Mississippi. So, enjoy that.
- Clear something up for me. Who are you? And why do I think I don’t like you?
- Do you see the corruption of the main stream press? How they are slowly killing America by inches?
- You acknowledge that you are a poison on the populace. Not everyone in the press can admit that.
- You covered the campaign in a gorilla suit for a while. And then later you covered it in a Viking costume while doing acid. In between those two you had a bit of a mental breakdown, you said. How could you tell?
- Why not just make it easy and say “I’m gay!” if you really want to upset your dad.
- You lived in Mongolia for a while. Why on Earth?
- Colbert Nation Poll: Who is America’s greatest current president?
Fangirl Suit Report: Gray suit, lilac shirt with barrel cuffs, Sapphire square dot pattern tie.
Full set of screencaps at WonkyEar.com
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January 7th, 2008 at 11:58 am
[...] Matt Taibbi is a journalist and editor/political correspondent for Rolling Stone magazine. He writes the print column ‘Road Rage’ and the online column ‘The Low Post.‘ He takes on everything from the breakdowns in the political process to the lack of readership in the American public. In 2006 he wrote a piece titled ‘Worst Congress Ever.’ His latest book is ‘Smells Like Dead Elephants,’ a collection of his best pieces from Rolling Stone. He was a guest on ‘The Colbert Report’ on November 16, 2005. [...]