Episode 1018 (11/15/2005)

“Break out some vodka, some lime juice, and the facts. Your about to do an upside-down Truthakaazi. This is The Colbert Report!”

Touring Japanese: Stephen attends Japanese royal wedding.

The Wørd: The Orient

Reincarn-Asian: Bring ‘em Back or Leave ‘em Dead – Asian Edition.

Sharpton Shooter: Reverend Al Sharpton

In closing: Formidable Opponent: Torture.

NOTABLE MOMENTS

Being a member of the Japanese royal family hasn’t been that much of a deal since Hirohito had to renounce his godhood. Commoners can look him in the face now. What’s the point?
I got invited because of my ties to the Japanese mob, the yakuza.
That’s me in my full tats right there. There’s a reason why I always wear a suit and long sleeves.
The Orient. Or what the P.C. police call Asia. Four little letters, 3 Billion little people.
Europe seems to think that the President doesn’t care what they think. But then, who cares what they think?
They could at least thank him for all he’s done for their flaming effigy industry.
They have to get themselves together before they can go criticizing someone else. [Sound Familiar, Charlene?]
Australia – country of continent? Come on, guys, make up your mind.[Penal Colony]
Asia is the President’s last chance to find love in a world that has turned against him.
Out vomiting your dad might have made you a legend at Skull and Bones, but it is bad diplomacy.
Do go to South Korea, not North Korea: You’ll recognized South Korea because they’re the ones with food. [If You Count Kimchi]
Right now we owe China billions of dollars. If you bring money up they might ask for it back – we don’t have it.
Don’t bring back pandas. Ever since Nixon brought those two cage potatoes Ling-Ling and Hsing-Hsing back, local news has been obsessed with marsupial sex. I don’t need to know who has a forked who-ha or a double whats-it.
If I want to know, that’s why I have the internet [linglinglust.com]
Once they see that hot Asia on your arm, who’s going to call out of the blue? [Charlene?]
Europe – they just want to know how your doing [So over it]
Next thing you know you’re all South America can think about. [Had Your Chance]
Your true love, North America, will see the folly of her ways and welcome you back into her loving arms

The only thing there are more of than Asians are dead Asians.
We get the first taste of that sweet unpaid zombie labor.
That guy stays dead. I’m not an integer fan. End of discussion.
In his treatise, ‘The Art of War,’ he said “Even though you are competent appear to be incompetent. Though effective, appear to be ineffective. Finally, someone who gets the President’s strategy.
One downside, though. He probably didn’t actually exist. He’s a myth, like Ben Franklin.
Two major accomplishments. First, he buried intellectuals. My kind of guy. He buried them alive. Why don’t you think of a way to breath down there, smarty lungs?
His wall only had to keep out raiding Mongols, Manchurians, and vicious nomadic tribes. We’re dealing with a much more tenacious opponent – Mexicans willing to work for less than minimum wage.
Far too many of you understand what that means already. Dangerous sign.
The last in the Asian edition of Bring ‘em Back of Leave ‘em Dead is Asia, the ’80′s rock super group.
On the plus side of Asia is 1982′s “In the Heat of the Moment.” On the downside is everything else they recorded.
Well, Asia, only Time Will Tell why you’re not the Sole Survivor. The Smile has left your eyes but don’t cry. I take it there are not a lot of Asia fans here tonight.
Stephen – “In all fairness to the President…” Reverend Sharpton – “I was being fair to him.”
Stephen – “People tell me I’m white. That’s fine.” Reverend Sharpton – “You see that picture behind you? That’s a white man.”
Freedom Fact [FRACT]: Every single person depicted on Mount Rushmore is an American!

“Let’s get down to brass tacks.” “Or broken glass if you prefer.”
Torture is only cruel and unusual if we don’t do it that often. From what I’ve been hearing, it’s recently become cruel and fairly usual so from a Constitutional point of view torture is a go.
“Very well argued.” “Coming from you, that means a lot.”
If it’s peer presure you’re talking about then sure, let’s ban torture. And while we’re at it let’s get a fake I.D., try pot, and have sex before we’re ready. That’s what you’re going to teach your children by not torturing prisoners.
Ask the terrorist where the bomb is please.
No! The floats! The pageantry! 50,000 rose petals in the shape of Cinderella’s carriage! Torture him!
Great. You have a tray of dental tools and a nail gun.
“So, torture, torture, torture and it works. You’ve saved the Rose Parade.” “Thank goodness, but now I feel dirty.” “Of course you do. Because you respect America’s values. And that’s why people must never know what you have done.”
So, what you’re saying is that we should tell everyone that we are not torturing but do it anyway?
Torturing? Who said anything about torturing?