Episode 1013 (11/07/2005)

“Somebody get a bucket, I think I’m gonna Truth. This is The Colbert Report!

Burning Down La Maison: Riots in Paris. Stephen Colbert’s Rioting Do’s & Dont’s.

The Wørd: Hoser

Silent Nights: Threat Down!

  • 5) Pirates!
  • 4) Canadian Optometrists
  • 3) Professional Musicians
  • 2) Romance Novels
  • 1) Bears

EL…I…OT: Eliot Spitzer, New York State Attorney General, Candidate for New York Governor.

In closing: Rock ’em Sock ’em Robots placed on book shelf to commemorate 5th anniversary of George W. Bush’s election.


  • It seems that over the weekend, while we were off the air, the world erupted in chaos.
  • I can’t leave you alone for a second!
  • Let me congratulate the French on whatever sporting event they apparently won. I realize in Europe you are not a real fan until you get crushed to death against a chain link fence.
  • With rioting so popular with today’s youths, it’s time to review Stephen Colbert’s Rioting Do’s & Dont’s.
  • These tips are applicable to any riot, be it Argentinian, French, or Quiet.
  • Do smash windows: the shattering glass catches the sunlight in an explosion of sparkles. It’s a breathtaking sight.
  • When it gets dark, do burn some cars. Again, fantastic visuals. The hungry flames light up the night sky in a gorgeous pyre. Beautiful and also functional since it also makes it a lot easier to see other things you might want to smash.
  • And as a bonus, when the car gets hot enough the glass shatters all by itself.
  • Now the dont’s… Looks like I’ve just got do’s.
  • Rioters, I know this has brought you a lot of joy or rage, which I call the angry joy, but enough’s enough. And as usual it is up to me to do what the French police can’t.
  • French rioters, put down this TV for a second, plug it back in, and listen up: Arretez! Vous no, no, no. Liberté, egalité, fraternité. Dormez-vous? Le petit soleil feu, Le petit soleil feu. Bim Ban Bon.
  • Let me check out the old travel book – rail strikes, reign of terror, restaurants, revolutions, here we go – riots.
  • Revenez a vos maisons (return to your homes) Nous pouvons resoudre notres differences per la voie diplomatique.
  • Le vrai ennemi sont les allemends! That ought to do it.
  • This evening The Colbert Report debuts in Canada, our pale sister to the North.
  • Congratulations, Canada. And for those of you who don’t live in Toronto, Montreal, or Vancouver – this is called a television.
  • It makes words and images fly through the air. [Like Your Geese]
  • I am Stephen Colbert [Je m’appelle Etienne Colbért]
  • I have balls [J’ai les grands testicules]
  • If you’re lucky, they might just rub off on you [Bonne Chance!]
  • By watching this show, you proved that you are a country that ‘gets it’. [It = Me]
  • I have put every part of Canada on notice except Nunavut.
  • Your Prime Minister lashed out at America’s failure to pay timber tariffs saying, and I can’t believe he flew off the handle like this, quote “Forgive my sudden departure from the language of diplomacy, but this is nonsense.”
  • Put that mad man on a leash! Thank God you people don’t have the bomb! [You Don’t, Do You?]
  • When I heard that Canada had picked up the Report, I felt it was time reconsider my Molsen embargo.
  • You’ve generously allowed half of your gun related crimes to be committed with American guns.
  • I made a good will gesture to your “nation” and sent Daniel, a Colbert Report researcher to Vancouver to get a Canadian Citizenship.
  • Here he is with what looks like a security guard, but evidently is someone important in Canada.
  • Let’s see, we got the codeine. We got the Vicodine – that is yummy. And the Tamiflu, just in case. Where is the OxyContin?
  • Your kidding? Jesus, I’m shaking… God, is it cold in here. I’m burning up. Canada, you are back on notice, you Hosers!
  • Freedom Snap [FRNAP]: Your country’s so ugly, its topographical map wears a brown papaer bag.
  • Got yourself all snuggled up warm in your beds? Get ready to pull those covers over your heads – This is the Threat Down!
  • Sure, we tend to think of Pirates as not a real threat in the modern age. Here in America they’ve been relegated to making cheese puffs and helping us get into art school. But there are plenty of repacious scalawags trolling the seas.
  • In a story ripped into today’s headlines from a 1990’s Steven Seagal movie…
  • Just because you haven’t heard about pirates in a while doesn’t mean they aren’t out there ruining thousands of shrimp buffets
  • Optometrists are a menace. You have to be careful with a group who get their kicks blowing air into our eyeballs.
  • There’s no reason for that. It’s just a power trip. They’ve got your head in a clamp, why not? Poof.
  • Scrooge is asking for our public spaces to be inclusive of all religions. Bill of Rights huggers calling for the separation of Church and State. Well, Christmas is more than a bunch of Whos down in Whoville standing in a circle and yahoo-doray-ing.
  • Christmas is a bunch of leggy dames with big racks kicking in a line, with the odd live camel thrown in the background.
  • Nascar is one of the final frontiers of male bonding where the love of speed and horrible car accidents draws men together to drink beer and high five. The only women that should be allowed into this holy speedway are the ones willing to be turned into meaningless objects to be leered at by gearheads.
  • Hey Harlequin. We don’t drive race cars through your wildflower meadows. Don’t put Fabio in our firesuits.
  • This time in the novel “The Apprentice” written by indicted White House staffer Lewis “Scooter” Libby. And it’s a terrific book – if you love bear rape.
  • *Stephen reads the passage from page 81 of the book*
  • Well, he’s definitely guilty of creeping me out.
  • The greater threat is the impact this book could have once it reaches the bear community.
  • Bears already come after our berries and our pic-i-nic baskets. Now they are coming after our women.
  • Not on my watch, Smokey.
  • I don’t care much for lawyers, elected officials, or the law, but this guy’s alright.
  • None of these people vote. Most of these people are from Canada.
  • You cold punch a toddler and still win.
  • You’ve gone after Wall Street, you’ve gone after insurance companies. You’ve gone after ClearChannel. Who is left to contribute to your campaign?
  • Is there any chance that these guys at Wall Street are cutting big checks to you just to get you out of the Attorney General’s job?
  • I’m a big fan of T.R. and one of the reasons is he understood – hey, I call him T.R. – he understood the threat that bears pose to all of us.
  • Speaking of obscene, is there anything you like to say on the show tonight to just sink your chances of being Governor?
  • When you walk into a building on Wall Street is it like turning the light on in the kitchen and the roaches just scatter?
  • You talk about integrity and competence in office. But isn’t the role of local government to stop gay marriage?
  • Too bad! It’s my show!
  • One red. One blue. Yet both robots. Just gears and cogs throwing hay-makers at each other’s empty, mindless heads.
  • Could this small gesture bring help to bring us together as a nation? I hope not.
  • How stupid would it make all our arguments seem if this was all it took to stop the fighting? It’s a plastic toy, for Christ’s sake.
  • More importantly, a highly charged angry citizenry makes for good TV.
  • You don’t see Mattel making Kiss ’em Hug ’em Robots. Not even those jagg-offs at Hasbro are that stupid.
  • So whether you are a red robot or a blue robot, I’ll make you a deal. You keep knocking each other’s blocks off and I’ll keep talking about it.

Fangirl Suit Report: Navy pinstriped suit, Blue shirt with mitered cuff, Navy dot pattern tie with gold guard stripes.

Full set of screencaps at WonkyEar.com


  1. does anyone know what he’s saying in french?

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