“Get on your tippy toes, America. You must be this tall to ride the Truth-Coaster. This is The Colbert Report!“
Noises Off: Oliver Stone.
The Wørd: Shhhh!
Man Behaving Bradley: Bradley Whitford, Actor – NBC’s ‘West Wing’
Hot Tubbs-Jones: Better Know a District (3/435): Ohio’s Fightin’ 11th featuring Rep. Stephanie Tubbs-Jones. Judge Tubbs.
In closing: Stephen’s In-Box. What Number is Stephen Thinking of Now?
- Ordinarily at this point I would say “Welcome to the show”. But there are some people in New York right now that I don’t really want to welcome to the show. Oliver Stone, for one.
- Remember what he did with JFK? A homosexual prostitution ring was in cahoots with the anti-Castro Cuban exiles under direct orders from LBJ, funded by the Texas oil barons to put a contract out on the President all because Bobby Kennedy was investigating the Chicago mob. Sure it makes sense, but was it really any of our business?
- I’m just afraid he’s going to stir up the pot on 9/11. I mean, we as a nation have moved on – to doing things in the name of 9/11.
- Things like that are kept secret for one important reason: they are super depressing.
- Take Abu Garib [Please]
- Or Bill O’Reilly’s alleged phone sex-capes [Alleged!]
- Or what’s really in my lunchmeat [Beef Lips]
- Stop digging fellows. There’s plenty of depressing news just lying around [Keep it in Your Pens]
- Point a camera pretty much anywhere in Africa. Something horrible will stagger into frame.
- We didn’t want to know and you had the savvy not to try to find out.
- Those were good times, as far as we knew.
- Things never look good when you look underneath the surface. Even nice things. For instance, Angelina Jolie. By all standards a hotty, worth ruining your marriage over. But if you pull back just one layer – yeeeg!
- I gotta tell ya, that rolled up my campsite.
- Stop snooping around the CIA thing, the pre-War intelligence, the Valerie Plame leak. Your just going to depress us.
- We are in a culture war here between the Heartland people who know how to zip it and the West coast media elite who want to flaunt it with their celebrity unwed babies, their post-rehab confessionals, and their reality TV.
- If God wanted us to see reality, he would have made the plot a lot less complicated.
- This is why I hate Hollywood. I hate where it’s located. I hate the words ‘holly’ and ‘wood’ are in it’s name and yet it is in a desert with no holly or woods within a hundred miles.
- It’s full of terrible people and I pray for the day the San Andreas fault snaps off like a graham cracker and it floats into the Pacific Ocean circled by hungry sharks.
- First of all, Mr. Whitford, I hope you heard me say that your industry is destroying America and second of all, I’m a huge fan.
- Me and my wife, nine O’clock, we’d just give the kids some benadryl so they would sleep, and we’d get in there – even the sound track got me excited.
- I was wondering what parts of your body had been replaced. I understand that that’s a standard out there.
- You live in Hollywood. Do you miss living in America? You’re out there with your Sean Penns and such.
- What’s happening on this liberal clap-trap of yours?
- You know that Geena Davis is the real President, right? Or are you guys not liberal enough for that?
- I notice Jimmy Smith or Alan Alda doesn’t have a vagina. Well, I’m not sure about Alda. The guy’s pretty sensitive.
- Freedom Fact [FRACT]: Karl Marx wasn’t so smart. He spelled “Capital” with a K! His name as probably ‘Carl’ Marx and he didn’t even realize it.
- Congressional Representatives are shy, elusive creatures with brief 2 year terms that keep them in constant competition in today’s vote starved environment. To best understand these fruit flies of the political world we must study them in their natural habitat, the district.
- The Fightin’ 11th is home of the famous flammable Cuyahoga River which burned to the ground in 1969 and has since been rebuilt.
- It is also the home of the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame where Rock ‘n’ Roll goes to die [*insert photo of Keith Richards*]
- I would remind you of the tune by singing a little bit of it but then I would have to pay royalties to Eric Carmen which is something I promised myself I would never do.
- Cleveland’s West-side is a veritable melting-pot of nationalities: Hungarians, Czechs, Serbs, and Croats. A rainbow coalition of ethnicities that range from pale to translucent.
- Congresswoman Tubbs-Jones – May I call you TJ?
- *gotta love them discussing dressing recipes and potato rolls*
- You know what Lincoln’s hobby was? Healing a nation.
- You were the first Afro-American woman on the house Ways and Means Committee. Does that make you the Halle Berry of that committee?
- It’s easy for you to say that it’s easy to say that you didn’t support the troops, but it was actually fairly hard to say.
- Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
- George Walker Bush – great President or greatest?
- People will know that you don’t think he’s the greatest and since there’s only great left they’ll go ‘that could be anything’.
- For the record, Barney Frank said great. [*clip of Rep. Frank saying "I think he's been a disaster"]
- Stephen – “Your state motto is “With God all things are possible”. Does that include a free, fair, and uncontested election?” Rep Tubbs-Jones – “With God all things are possible. It’s when men get in the way.”
- Interesting bit of trivia: If you connect these 3 districts, it makes a triangle.
- Here at the Report, we wanted a legal expert who was neither needlessly sassy nor certifiably insane. We were so impressed with Ohio Representative Stephanie Tubbs-Jones that we talked to her about filling this slot.
- And now, all rise, for Judge Tubbs. djng djng
- *Stephen as plaintiff Bramlet Abercrombie and defendant Sharon Applebaum*
- Your Honor, he is lying!
- I saw it in my apartment last night, on fire.
- Hey Networks! Do yourself a favor – pick up this show!
- By the way, it turns out the ‘e’ in e-mail? Stands for e-mail.
- “Dear Stephen, You kick ass!” Thank you, Gary, but you left out taking names.
- “Dear Stephen, Why didn’t you speak at Rosa Parks’ funeral?” Maggie, I was asked but I knew the Reverend Al Sharpton would deliver my message for me.
- Rev. Sharpton: “Black womanhood was Rosa Parks sitting in dignity. She wasn’t break dancing. She wasn’t talking about pimp-me-out.” Stephen: “My words, but he sold ‘em.”
- Kay is entering our latest Colbert Contest ‘What number is Stephen thinking of?’.
- So far we have determined that I am not thinking of 7, 111, 280, or 499 and now we know it is not 16.
- Let me remind you that there is a huge prize for the person who demonstrates that they think just like me by knowing the number I’m thinking of.
- And let me also remind you that just because the numbers on the board are between 1 and 500, that doesn’t mean the number I’m thinking of is.
Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit, Blue shirt with French cuffs, Navy with blue bar striped tie.
Full set of screencaps at WonkyEar.com