Episode 1007 (10/26/2005)

“Strike up the klezmer and start acting like a man. You’re about to have a Truth Mitzvah. This is The Colbert Report!”

Naan-Issue: Wi-Fi Tech Support. The number 2000.

The Wørd: Perspective

Not the Crazy Tyson: Neil deGrasse Tyson – Astrophysicist, Director: Hayden Planetarium

Charlize and the Boner Factory: Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger:

  • Tip, Lauren Hutton
  • Wag, Lauren Hutton
  • Tip, Charlize Theron
  • Wag, Mike Wallace

Stephen Colbert’s Alpha Squad 7 – Lady Nocturne: a Tek Janson Adventure.

In closing: The Pulse: Stephen answers questions posed by fans on video.

Colbert Nation – Tek Jansen


  • It’s probably because I’m a celebrity, but they put my call all the way through to India; land of saffron scented hair and dark honeyed skin. Suddenly a Monday customer support experience had a sensual whiff of the exotic.
  • His English was impeccable. He sounded a little bit like Ben Kingsley.
  • I record every phone call I make or receive. I do this for posterity and for pending lawsuits,
  • You can help me by giving me seamless integration and wireless freedom like it says here on the box!
  • Stephen: What kind of accent is that? What are you, Scottish? ‘Kevin’ (with Indian accent): I am from Nebraska. Gooo Huskers!
  • Turns out is real name is Sangit. He actually lives in Bangalor with his wife Alpana – it was an arranged marriage. They didn’t fall in love, they learned to love. It’s a wonderful system.
  • He is living the American dream – except in India. Thanks to outsourcing. Are you listening Lou Dobbs?
  • And as far as my Wi-Fi problem went? Sangit doesn’t know jack about computers.
  • Here is another number I have heard a lot of today – 2000. Nothing wrong with the number itself. Hell, 5 years ago we were celebrating it. But now, just by adding the phrase ‘fatalities in Iraq’, the anti-war crowd is trying to spin that number negative.
  • I have to admit, this morning that 2000 number had even me feeling down. Luckily, I turned on ‘Fox and Friends’.
  • Saudi Women driving? 2,000! Hell, make it 200,000! Hey, if you can find a WMD or an Al-Qaeda connection, you can go to a cool Million.
  • [436 of the deaths are] Non-combat related? Those are accidents. Forget ’em! Accidents don’t count. And if the peaceniks in the anti-war machine get their way and this war turns out to have been a big mistake, that just means that every death was an accident. And therefore, nobody died. Keep that in perspective.
  • I’m going to start off with a simple question: Why is there something instead of nothing? Ten words or less.
  • Big Bang. Take us through it. Don’t leave anything out.
  • That makes sense, but it also makes my brain hurt. Intelligent design just seems easier. You know, if I can’t understand the immensity of what you’re saying, OK – it’s just too much for me to encompass and therefore, I mean, if I can’t understand it the only other option for me is that an all-knowing omniscient omni-temporal being just snapped it into existence.
  • Big Bang is a flashy name, but it sounds like a marketing term. Intelligent Design sounds classy.
  • That’s a sexy little news item – that we are all going to be destroyed in 2029. In the news business, that’s what we call a grabber.
  • OK, we’ve covered the origin of the Universe, we’ve covered the Big Bang and, apparently, the extinction of Mankind. (*pause*) I didn’t think we would get through all that so quickly.
  • A lot of school children are angry at you because you want to take Pluto off the list of planets.
  • Who’s this we? Is this just East-Coast liberal intellectual – did you go to an Ivy League school? – Ivy League educated people telling us what is or isn’t a planet?
  • No Pluto? What am I supposed to do with My Very Elegant Mother Just Sat Upon Nine Porcupines?
  • If we’ve got to take Pluto out, let’s make our moon a planet. I don’t want to see any other planet’s moon being made a planet first. This is America’s Moon! We got there first.
  • Colbert Trivia – Q: If Stephen could be any famous American, who would he be? A: Wouldn’t he just be Stephen Colbert? “Be comfortable in your own skin!” That’s his motto.
  • Lauren Hutton. A fashion icon and star of the most influential movie of my life, ‘American Gigolo’.
  • It’s Ms Hutton’s first nude photo shoot and she’s 62 years old. Good for you, Ms Hutton, for going against the grain of our youth obsessed culture.
  • I’m sure plenty of people said “Don’t do it, what are you thinking” but Ms Hutton, you didn’t give-in to their narrow minds.
  • Don’t do it. What are you thinking? You’re 62! Best case scenario, some guy says “hey, check out naked Lauren Hutton. She looks 55, tops”.
  • If you’re going to show the world what God gave you, Ms Hutton, at least do it in an appropriate publication like ‘Sexy Sixties’, ‘Mature Honeys’ or ‘Extremely Legal’. Tell you what. Just send me the Polaroids. We’ll post them up at ColbertNation.com and we’ll let the people vote on it.
  • Miss Theron has taken her struggle against the sexual objectification of women to the magazine rack. Her firm, naked body sends a clear message: “I am not an object to be leered at”. And a bonus Tip of the Hat to Miss Theron for not waiting until she’s 62.
  • There is a certain ‘eye’ you seem to forget, Mr. Wallace; your corporate overlord, Viacom. [logo of CBS eye displayed].
  • If you’re pushing a book, stay with your corporate parent. Which is why I’m sure Viacom won’t mind if I tell you about my own self-published novel ‘Stephen Colbert’s Alpha Squad 7 – Lady Nocturne: A Tek Jansen Adventure’.
  • This is from Chapter 6, Dreadscape Unleashed: Diving to my right I activated my holoshield. The Dark Rider lowered his plasmiator rifle. ‘Of course’, I thought. ‘The plasmiator rifle takes 6.3 seconds to recharge. Now is my chance’. I flung my starsword at him, neatly severing his head. The beautiful Argona turned to me. ‘You have killed him’, she breathed, her full, elvish lips opening slightly as they met my own.
  • This baby is all teed up and ready for distribution. Wouldn’t this look great on a beach?
  • If you detect a touch of Henry James in there, you’ve got me pegged.
  • I am up on a pedestal. I can’t hear you too well from up here. So every once in a while I come down and interact with real people.
  • I think that players should be able to wear whatever they want. Whether it’s Allen Iverson’s gold chains or Ron Artest’s tiara. It’s personal expression.
  • If you gotta use paper make sure it’s recycled. I’ve been saying this for years. This is why we should be recycling: to spite the Canadians.
  • If you gotta use paper make sure it’s recycled. I’ve been saying this for years. This is why we should be recycling: to spite the Canadians.
  • You’ll notice that he referred to me by my hip-hop nickname Steve. That’s street slang for Stephen.
  • *Stephen lists his 20 favorite Jay-Z songs*
  • Jay-Z, next time I see you at the club, I don’t want you up in my grill because I left out ‘Crazy in Love’. That is really more of a Beyonce song.
  • It’s 12 o’clock on the East-Coast and all’s well. At least now it is.

Fangirl Suit Report: Black pin striped suite, Cornflower blue shirt with barrel cuffs, Cornflower – Navy guard striped tie.

Full set of screencaps at WonkyEar.com

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