Episode 1002 (10/18/2005)

Episode 1002 (10/18/2005)

“Put some pants on, America. The Truth is knocking at the door. Here comes The Colbert Report!”

Drop the Prom: ABC’s Nightline replaces Ted Koppel

The Wørd: Bacchanalia

Heir Danes: All You Need to Know

Stahl Tactics: Leslie Stahl – “60 Minutes” correspondent

Monkey Wrench: Better Know A District (Part 1) – The Fightin’ First! from Georgia – Jack Kingston

In closing: A challenge by fax from James Brady.



  • You know what, ABC? You’re over reacting. The Colbert Report has only been on for one day. For you to panic and pull Koppel! I mean, Nightline’s been a model of journalistic integrity for 25 years. I would have thought you had the guts to tough it out. Although I accept your surrender.
  • Moran had a chance to snatch back Elian Gonzalez. Didn’t have the cojones to do it.
  • Ménage à trois sound good on the surface but trust me. They’re over rated. I like to focus.
  • Bacchanalia. It means a drunken party, named after Bacchus, the Roman god of body shots.
  • Kellenberg Memorial High, named in memory of Saint Kellenberg, Patron Saint of buzz kills, apparently, has a problem with proms.
  • First of all, Financial Decadence? That’s two words.
  • All the great civilizations encouraged ostentatious ostentation. [It’s a word]
  • What were the Pyramids or the Taj Mahal, after all, but rich people playing “Pimp My Afterlife”?
  • May I remind Brother Hogeland that our nation is rich enough to buy some really huge needles – with eyes you could drive a limo full of drunk prom kids through.
  • I suppose we’re not supposed to enjoy the fruits of our labors then. I guess 17 year olds aren’t supposed to chug Cristal standing in the sunroof of a stretch hummer.
  • All the Prince of Denmark needs to know? Neither a borrower nor a lender be, to thine own self be true, and your girlfriend Ophelia? Psycho!
  • Leslie Stahl: Tim Russert saw your show and now he wants his set in the form of a “T”.
  • Stephen Colbert: Really? I would go with an “R” so they can place him right down in that R-hole.
  • Do they even let you eat at the big boy’s table? Have they let you touch the stopwatch, is my question.
  • I should be on “60 Minutes”! I just nailed you!
  • Dutch. Hmm. He asked me not to call him that.
  • Today’s Poll: Should this person be allowed to immigrate to the United States? Yes- 5%; No – 8%; Is that the same as emigrate? One is coming and one is going, right? – 87%.
  • We present the 1st in a 435 part series entitled “Better Know a District”.
  • The home of Savannah, the cradle of Southern civility – after Charleston.
  • Savannah is also known for its gardens, many of which are sometimes good, sometimes evil, and at Midnight a little bit of both.
  • The district has been the scene of 3 of cinema’s greatest triumphs: “Gump” – ahn; “Glory” – revisionist; and “Gator” – now we’re talking!
  • Senator, are you a Georgia Peach?
  • So, in a very real way, you are an African-American.
  • You said you joined a fraternity to meet girls. There are no girls in a fraternity, Congressman.
  • Let’s put it up on the big board! When we’re done filling in all the districts this is going to make a picture. Can you guess what it is?
  • Last night I made James Brady my bitch. Check it out.
  • Actual Fax. “You lily-livered Italian suited four-eyed Jon Stewart wannabe, you’ll be crying in your cravat when I’m through. You want a piece of me? DO YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME? – Jim Brady”
  • It’s on! Let’s say we meet at dawn. Pistols, 20 paces. Oh, wait! You don’t have a gun. Guess what, James Brady. That’s a forfeit. I win!
  • Faxing threats is for cowards. Real men use email.

Fangirl Suit Report: Grey suit, White shirt with French cuffs, Red tie.

Full set of screencaps at WonkyEar.com

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