Episode 6040 (3/18/2010)
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EPISODE NUMBER: 6040 (March 18, 2010)
GUESTS: Fr. James Martin, Mary Matalin
SEGMENTS: Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA
VIDEOS: Thursday, March 18, 2010
Greetings, Zoners — Nerdygirl here pinch-hitting for DB. There’s a whole other episode to recap for this week! You didn’t think we’d forgotten about it, did you?
Thursday’s show led us out to the break with some great segments and big laughs. I just about kvelled when I saw that adorable puppy, and then died laughing when Stephen suited him up in a little suicide bomber rig.
And of course we saw a return to Stephen’s conservative radio talk show, Colbert on the Ert. Man, I wish that was a real radio show. I would dial away from NPR in a heartbeat, and I’m a seriously committed fan (and supporter) of NPR. Father Jim, Colbert Report Chaplain, was on hand to discuss Glenn Beck’s most recent nuttiness, urging people to leave their chuch if it preaches social justice.
Cheating Death (my second favorite recurring segment, after Threat Down) made a triumphant return also. I want a Vax-Alert, the world’s first robotic pill case: “FEEL BETTER. FEEL BETTER. FEEL BETTER.” I feel better already! Thanks, Prescott Pharmaceuticals!
I loved Republican Talking Points Bingo with Mary Matalin — although it seemed to throw her off, because she was trying very hard not to say anything that might be on the card. Kinda tough without the talking points, isn’t it? But the best part was Stephen nailing her at the end by bringing up Donald Rumsfeld — all the same qualifications as Cheney, the same history, the same experience, the same failed foreign policy, but Rumsfeld (after resigning in disgrace in 2006) at least has the good grace to stay out of the Obama administration’s policies. Even Matalin herself had to give Stephen some kudos for that one.
Hope that will tide everyone through until the break is over. What was your favorite part of Thursday night’s show?
- Nation, we have a sleeper cell in our country and it’s sleeping at the foot of the bed. Fundamentalist Fidos have infiltrated our borders and are lifting their legs on Lady Liberty!
- (to adorable puppy) Listen up, Buster! You have been a very bad boy! I’m gonna have you shipped off to a secret CIASPCA kennel in Eastern Europe and they will make you speak.
- Looking forward to seeing everybody this weekend at the 5th Annual Charity Guns for Knives Swap at Parkerview Elementary. You bring in your old knives, we’ll give you a brand new gun!
- (Beck: “Social justice” and “economic justice” are code words.) Stephen: Yes, they are code words for helping people.
- I know when I think of Hitler and Stalin, I think of social justice.
- Stephen: If I help the poor, what’s in it for me? Why should I help the least of our brothers?
- Fr. Jim: Other than eternal salvation, you mean?
- Stephen: Yeah, yeah — what is my immediate payoff?
- Stephen: If Pope Benedict has to step down, do you think Glenn could be the next Pope? Because he certainly seems comfortable with telling Catholics what to do.
- Fr. Jim: Well, I think if he were, then I’d probably listen to his advice to leave the Church.
- Prescott: When you need a little helping hand, take our medicine and grow one out your neck.
- I’m just surprised it took BioSpecifics fifty years to inject this enzyme into a penis. That’s one of the first things I do with an unknown chemical. What else are summer interns for?
- Prescott discovered that Vaxagra vastly increases the size of your penis…’s toenail. “But Stephen,” you say, “my penis doesn’t have a toenail.” Thankfully, we have a cure for that now.
- Side effects of Vaxagra may include gluteal iPads, shin boners, and Jameson’s Irish Whiskers.
- While old people can be forgetful, they are great when it comes to setting up the internet, recognizing cell phone ring tones, and accessing voice mail messages.
- I don’t believe Jesus said “If you don’t work, you don’t eat.” I believe that was from Cool Hand Luke.
- I belive in your paraphrasing.
- Rahm and I are old friends. He kissed me once on this cheek and I can no longer hear out of this ear.
- You’ve done really well at not saying what everyone else says. You haven’t said much, though. You talk really slowly.
- Matalin: They’ll be for cross-state competition (Stephen marks off a Bingo square) — that’s Afghanistan! I can read upside down.
- Stephen: It’s the same thing.
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Daily Show Toss Recap – week of 3/15/10
By · CommentsBefore we go, let’s check in with our good friend Stephen Colbert of The Colbert Report…
Salutations, Zoners and fellow Toss fans! Jon and Stephen threw us a bone this week before going into the break. As Colbaby put it so elegantly in the comments: “The all too rare and elusive toss. It’s like when you reach into your coat pocket and find money there: it doesn’t happen often but when it does, it’s exciting.” That is my philosophy exactly, Colbaby! Let’s have a look at the Toss this week:
Daily/Colbert – Passover Parade: Jon is excited for the Passover parade where everyone drinks Manischewitz, gets in a line and marches.
I find this Toss appealing because it feels like they winged the whole thing, or if there was a script it was ditched early on. It’s just Jon & Stephen BS’ing. The Irish vs. Jewish subject is always a gold mine for zingers between the two boys. Stephen is a tease — “I’ll miss you,” he tells Jon unabashedly, and then a moment later he’s confessing that he has his assistant take all of Jon’s calls.
I always feel a little relieved when we get a Toss just before a break; it tides me over. What did everyone else think of this week’s Toss?
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Welcome to No Fact Zone’s weekly roundup of cultural references on The Colbert Report. From Darcy to Danger Mouse, String Theory to Shakespeare, we’ve got the keys to this week’s obscure, oddball, and occasionally obscene cultural shout-outs (hey!).
Hey Zoners! That was a great week to slide us into a well-deserved break for the show. Lots of fun segments (hooray for the return of Cheating Death, and with a new intro, too!), interesting (if sometimes evasive) interviews, and goofiness galore. Just the way I like it. What were your favorite segments this week? Post them in the comments!
(** = TCR/TDS link, and there are some sweet ones!)
Monday: Daylight Savings Time & I Can’t Believe It’s Not Buddha – Raj Patel
“You know who I blame for this? Ben Franklin. He invented Daylight Savings Time, probably during some syphilitic fever dream.”
Ben Franklin as the inventor of Daylight Savings Time? Well, not exactly, but he might be credited for putting the idea out there, if in jest. Ever the wit and creative thinker, in 1784 Franklin wrote a humorous essay for the Journal de Paris, on the subject of energy savings. The essay, “An Economical Project”, expresses Franklin’s surprise that the sun should give off so much light so early in the morning for free. It’s really a tremendously funny read. As for the syphilis rumor (not so, he actually died of a ruptured lung artery), Stephen asked the man himself in **Better Know a Founder (full disclosure: I am a sucker for a man in a tri-corner, breeches, and a frock coat. Go watch this clip!)
“I am at least the John the Baptist of Share International. And I have to say, I do look great with my head on a platter.”
An oddly apt comparison – John the Baptist, who in his ministry recognized Jesus as the Messiah, and was ordered beheaded by Herod (his stepdaughter Salome asked for the gift of John’s head). Stephen wasn’t beheaded for deifying Raj Patel, though - **it was all about workers’ compensation. Do you know **you earn 2,634 weeks of workers’ comp for a severed head?
Tuesday: I’s on Edjukashun & Rebecca Skloot
“… and requiring that the history of McCarthyism include how the later release of the Venona papers confirmed suspicions of communist infiltration in the U.S. government.”
In post WWII America, anti-Communist sentiment ran high. Senator Joseph McCarthy led the charge against suspected Communist sympathizers, and ushered in a shameful era of paranoia in which thousands of Americans were wrongly accused of disloyalty and treason, blacklisted, and even imprisoned. The Venona papers, Soviet intelligence messages sent from 1942-1945 subsequently decoded by US and British cryptanalysts, have thrown new fuel on the fire. Since the papers were publicly released in 1995, analysts have attempted to connect code names of the contacts mentioned to actual identities. In some cases, individuals have been verified as Soviet agents, but many may have also been listed because of innocent exchanges, or were never contacted by the Soviets at all. Some historians worry that the Venona papers are now being improperly used to justify the overreaches of the McCarthy era.
• If you’re interested in learning more about the story of Henrietta Lacks, Wired Magazine recently published this fascinating graph of the many scientific and medical advances that stemmed from the HeLa cell line.
• Also, I loved the visual shout-out to my all-time favorite 80’s arcade game, Centipede (this version gives you a taste, but it’s not the same without the big trackball. Yes, this was a serious, serious favorite, as in High Score at the arcade, baby!)
Wednesday: United States Census 2010 & Nell Irvin Painter
I do enjoy Stephen’s mistranslations. The show Más Sabe el Diablo actually translates as “The Devil Knows Best”, though I think “More Sauce on the Devil” is a better title.
“Scots-Irish are not Irish. There’s no Irish blood in Scots-Irish people. They are Scots Presbyterians who were given land in Ireland. They took our land, and drove my people across the River Shannon, where we were forced to farm rocks by Oliver Cromwell, and I will see him rot in hell before you call Scots-Irish people Irish!”
I love a good rant, and this one was a beauty. I don’t know about anyone else, but if you’re of Irish descent, you’ll have heard (or given) this one before. If not, here’s a brief history of the Ulster Scots in Ireland. Or you may prefer Stephen’s history – **long story short, he’s been drinking all day.
Thursday: Middle Eastern Dogs & Mary Matalin & Sign-Off
“Bob Barker tried to warn us. Why didn’t we listen?”
Bob Barker, for 35 years the host of TV game show The Price Is Right, is an outspoken advocate for animal rights; in his regular show sign-off, he urged viewers to “have your pets spayed and neutered”.
“He said I will make you fishers of men. I don’t believe Jesus said ‘If you don’t work you don’t eat’. I believe that was from Cool Hand Luke“
The sign-off caption, 2 Thessalonians 3:10-13 , references the quote that Mary Matalin paraphrased during her interview (“For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat…”). Cool that they acknowledged Matalin’s quote wasn’t far off, though I maintain that Stephen was closer to the spirit of the message.
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Six Degrees: Kiss Me I’m Irish Edition.
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Ok, so I lied. I’m not actually Irish, I’m Australian but you can still kiss me and we drink just as much … if not more. I hope you’ve all recovered from good ol’ St. Patty’s Day and the festivities that ensured. Mine was a rather dismal day, I didn’t touch a drop of drink, there were no celebrations at Uni and I only wore green by accident. So if you’re like me and have had a boring day/week I hope the activities of Stephen’s friends and colleagues puts a smile on your dial.
Friends of the Show
Amy Sedaris
- You can pre-order your copy of Amy’s new book “Simple Times: Crafts for Poor People” from Amazon which is due for release on 2 November, 2010.
Product Description:
America’s most delightfully unconventional hostess and the bestselling author of I Like You delivers a new book that will forever change the world of crafting. According to Amy Sedaris, it’s often been said that ugly people craft and attractive people have sex. In her new book, SIMPLE TIMES, she sets the record straight. Demonstrating that crafting is one of life’s more pleasurable and constructive leisure activities, Sedaris shows that anyone with a couple of hours to kill and access to pipe cleaners can join the elite society of crafters.
- Amy was recently a guest on the “The Martha Stewart Show” to promote her new book “Simple Times: Craft for Poor People”. You can view a clip of Amy’s appearance here and here.
Conan O’Brien
- CoCo’s coming to a city near you!! Check out Teamcoco.com for all the details on Conan O’Brien presents: “The Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Television Tour” – A Night of Music, Comedy, Hugging and the Occasional Awkward Silence.
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Google vs. Viacom: The Summary Judgment Chronicles
By · CommentsI’d like to welcome my friend Jonathan Bailey as today’s guest poster. Jonathan is a copyright and plagiarism consultant. He is the CEO of CopyByte, a copyright and plagiarism consulting firm, and writes the copyright blog Plagiarism Today, where he helps content creators license, track and protect their works.
Though we all know that the ‘Colbert Report’ is a great show, what is less known is that it is also playing a key role in shaping the future of the Internet, especially for sites like YouTube.
It was in March 2007, almost exactly three years ago today, that Viacom, the parent company of Comedy Central and the ‘Colbert Report’, sued Google over its then-recently-acquired site YouTube. According to Viacom at the time, users had uploaded more than 160,000 clips of their content and those clips had received some 1.5 billion views.
Since the ‘Colbert Report’, along with ‘The Daily Show’, are among Viacom’s most popular shows with YouTube uploaders, it’s easy to imagine that the ‘Colbert Report’ was at the forefront of Viacom’s executives’ minds then they filed suit and remains there today.
However, yesterday this lawsuit took another major step forward as both sides moved for summary judgment and, as part of that, much of the submitted evidence was made available to the public for the first time. This has shed new light on the case and has also revealed some very embarrassing information about both sides.
With a case that is this potentially important to the future of the Internet, it is worthwhile to take a moment and understand how it got to where it is today and what it could mean. So here is a brief rundown of the case so far, what was revealed yesterday and where we go from here.
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I’m really looking forward to this! Father James Martin, one of my favorite TCR guests and of course the show’s chaplain, posted this update on his Facebook page today:
God willing, I’ll be on “The Colbert Show” tonight talking about Jesus and social justice.
I truly enjoy Father Jim’s visits to the Report because he and Stephen have such entertaining conversations. And given what the topic is going to be, this could be quite interesting.
Here’s the video of one of Father Jim’s previous visits with Stephen. I was lucky enough to be in the audience for this one!
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Episode 6039 (3/17/2010)
By · CommentsEPISODE NUMBER: 6039 (March 17, 2010)
GUESTS: Nell Irvin Painter
SEGMENTS: Stephen Colbert’s Sport Report
VIDEOS: Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Happy St. Patrick’s Day, everybody! There are certain parts of Stephen that I adore when “Stephen” allows him to take them over the top. One of them is his Catholicism, and another is his Irish heritage. And Stephen gets seriously Irish on St. Patrick’s Day. (If you haven’t watched “Faces of America”, you seriously need to do so, by the way.) Being Irish myself, I just love it when he gets all kinds of Irish. My Irish is a bit more removed than Stephen’s Irish, as I come from the Adair line of Cherokee Indians. Originally, there were only three Adair brothers who came to America from Ireland, and one took a Cherokee wife back in the 1700s, is where I believe the line started from.
There’s actually a very interesting story about the Adair name in my family. My brother and sister-in-law had a very whirlwind courtship and married after dating only two months. My mother went to visit her new daughter-in-law a few months after they were married. They were walking in downtown Van Buren, Arkansas, and saw a store selling a lot of native American art. My mom says to my sister-in-law, I love Indian art because I’m native American. My sister-in-law said, “Me too! What tribe?” My mother said, “Cherokee. What’s your maiden name?” My sister-in-law said, “Adair.” My mother said, “Wow! We’re Adairs too!” To which my sister-in-law replied, “Oh no! Don’t tell anyone! Everyone makes jokes about people in Arkansas marrying their cousins, and now I’ve gone off and done it!”
Okay, so back to the episode. I have to give a huge tip of the hat to the graphics department for their wonderful site gags tonight. While I loved the Second Jesus gag, the two basketball and scissors graphic was absolutely hysterical. (Yes, I’m 12.) And I have to hand it to the urologists, tying vasectomy healing to the beginning of March Madness is a stroke of genius.
I’ve never understood the paranoia that people have about the census. It tells the government how many people are in your area, which can bring government money and redistricting to get you better representation. Then again, I’m in Texas, where gerrymandering is not just a word but a way of life. It was good to see him hit the paranoia head on, especially with Michelle Bachman’s rants on it. Here’s hoping that she manages to dig her own grave with this one. I also loved the bit with the translated Telemundo. But then again, I love anything with a good cat fight.
While I enjoyed Nell Irvin Painter, I think Stephen came on a bit strong with her. I think she really riled him up with the Scotch-Irish comment and he just wasn’t able to back down after that to let her get a word in edgewise. I’m still wondering what the book is actually about myself. I did like the arm wrestling bit, and him tearing up his cards. But sometimes I really do want to hear what the guests have to say, and it’s frustrating when he railroads all over them.
What did you think about tonight’s episode? The shows this week started out struggling a bit, but are gaining steam as the week goes on. Here’s hoping for a nice, strong send off before the week-long break next week!
- That’s why four leaf clovers are so lucky. You get a bonus Jesus!
- I know we suffered a potato famine, but we can’t even grow a g_d damned weed?
- This thing is even luckier – it’s got five leaves. And the shamrock shakes that you make with it, while they taste terrible, you can’t stop drinking them.
- The more I drink these, the more I “get” Riverdance. It’s like we’re all dancing in a river.
- Last year, the final came down to North Carolina verses Spicy Pollo Rojo.
- Now March Madness can be March Nadless.
- Sounds like a pretty good deal, although personally I would prefer buffalo wings, because you can really drop the swelling by dropping your boys in a bowl of cool ranch.
- Chess boxing – it’s a natural fit. After all, kids on the chess team are generally familiar with viscous beat down.
- Or my personal favorite, the marriage of two ancient Japanese arts – Judoku.
- Nothing says health like a 28 inch neck and testicles that look like Raisinets.
- It’s like Uncle Sam has OCD – gotta lick every doorknob!
- They’re bringing back the Japanese internment camps! That’s why she keeps her eyes so round!
- Now that might sound offensive to descendants of actual slaves. To make sure he doesn’t offend minorities, Glenn Beck broadcasts at a frequency only white people can hear.
- That is one diablo MAS sabe!
- Painter: I have a PhD, am I white?
Stephen: I don’t see education either. - These are clearly worthless. These will get me nowhere over the next two hours.
- I am Default-American.
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Episode 6038 (3/16/2010)
By · CommentsEPISODE NUMBER: 6038 (March 16, 2010)
GUESTS: Prof. Eric Foner, Rebecca Skloot
SEGMENTS: Stephen Colbert’s I’s On Edjukashun, Stephen Colbert’s Thought for Food
VIDEOS: Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Being a result of the Texas public school system, plus a History major from East Texas State University, I cannot express to you all my displeasure at what is going on with history textbooks in Texas. Stephen barely scratched the surface at the particular level of crazy that they did to the Texas history textbooks. I wish these nuts and the nuts who are turning the bible conservative would just sit quietly in a big room and wait it out until the Rapture comes.
And as God as my witness, I will never, ever have a web site where people can pay to watch me eat.
I really enjoyed the Rebecca Skloot interview. It was very interesting to hear the stories of the life of Henrietta Lacks, and what happened to her family. I know that MsInterpreted has raved about this book, and after seeing it, I’m definitely going to have to get a copy for my Nook.
What did you all enjoy about the episode? I mean, other than the faux striptease and that mesmerizing tie?
- Well, two can play at that game Barack “Joe”bama.
- I will see your taking off your jacket and raise you taking off my pants.
- Luckily like a good conservative, I always wear my underjacket. And my underpants.
- You see, Texas schoolboard decisions affect school systems across the country. That’s why most sex ed books have chapters on the reproductive system, abstinence, and how to castrate a steer.
- Board members removed any reference to Thomas Jefferson, author of the Declaration of Independence. You see, Jefferson coined the term “Separation of Church and State”. So Texas has coined the term Separation of Jefferson and History.
- Do you even know the name of North’s Fox news show? Neither do I, so I guess we both have a 90.
- They say that those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it. But if you change what history was, doesn’t that solve that problem?
- I say reach for the stars with that stick you use to scratch your ankle.
- We can’t all be the world’s heaviest woman in the world. I gave up that dream a long time ago.
- That’s right – we Americans have so much food in this country that we’re letting our pets s#!t in it.
- Wow, so we’re talking a big woman.
- I have homeless cells?!
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